Dec. 18: Gnomes

 Is Santa a gnome?

I’m not sure.

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I’m not sure why garden gnomes are so popular, or any lawn decorations for that matter. If I had a front lawn, I wouldn’t need it to be a visual curiosity.

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I’m convinced that the primary purpose of the garden gnome is to be kidnapped. Said gnome should then be taken around the world, be photographed in front of various landmarks, and have those photos sent back to the gnome’s owner. It is less expensive to take a garden gnome on a trip around the world. This is because airlines charge admission for flesh and blood, not for paint and plaster.

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I recommend the movie, Amelie, which is one of the best movies ever made and also features a scene where a garden gnome is kidnapped.

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I used to own a gnome. His name was Glengarry. Glengarry my gnome. We used him famously in a competition at the Glengarry News. I was the biggest fan of that competition. It has since being retired. And this note is now being retired.


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