Dec. 20: Thump thump thump

In 1843, Edgar Allen Poe published his classic horror story, the Tell-Tale Heart. Is it about a man who murders another man, cuts his body into pieces, and lays them under the floorboards of his bedchamber. When the police come to investigate, they find no sign of foul play. But the murderer eventually confesses because his guilty conscience makes him believe that the dead man's heart is still beating, even as it lies buried underfoot.

Thump thump thump.

-

I became aware of this short story in Grade 9 English class. That was not because our teacher had chosen it as acceptable study material. No, he mentioned the story as a tangent. He wanted his class to study three songs from Alice Cooper's 1975 album, Welcome to my Nightmare. Apparently, one of his superiors objected to this, deeming the material too morbid. My teacher countered by asking why Tell-Tale Heart was still on the list of approved material. When it comes to depraved acts of violence, Mr. Poe had Mr. Cooper well beat.

Thump thump thump.

-

I am grateful for that teacher, whose Welcome to my Nightmare lesson plan prompted me to become a rabid fan of Alice Cooper. I told him this later and he seemed pleased. Whenever I found a new Alice Cooper album, I called him and told him about it. "I have that too," he said. Apparently, this guy had a huge vinyl collection.

He's dead now, by the way.

Thump thump thump.

-

My car thumps.

I hit the highway and I hear something rattling around. Drives me crazy. My mechanic insists that there's nothing wrong with my car. "You probably just have a rock in the undercarriage somewhere."

Thump thump thump.

-

They say that when you hit 50, the warning light in your body is going to start blinking. Thank God I have no health issues as of yet. Last year, around this time, one of my teeth split in half. Had to go to an emergency clinic to have it pulled. That means that for about a year, I have been chewing with an incomplete set of chompers. I wonder when the next one will go.

Thump thump thump.

-

Edgar Allen Poe, a Capricorn like me, died in 1849 at the age of 40. When he was in his late 20s, he married his 13-year-old cousin, which must have been an acceptable thing in New England in the 19th century. Personally, I find that ickier than the Tell-Tale Heart.

Another one of Poe's stories, The Pit and the Pendulum, was referenced in an old Peanuts comic strip. In this story, a man is strapped to a table while a swinging pendulum, razor sharp at the helix, descends slowly toward him. Knowing that the pendulum will eventually cut him in half, he somehow smears meat on his bonds, the rats chew through them, and he is free.

Obviously, the story did not take place in Alberta.

Thump thump thump

Take it away, Charlie Brown