Dec. 14: White elephant

Here is a partial list of things I have won, or got stuck with, at various white elephant gift exchanges:

- Pack of Dr. Pepper flavoured gummies

- Firewood

- Obi Wan Kenobi sticker

- Can of Ovaltine 

- Svengali deck*

- $5 Tim Hortons gift card (I bought a coffee and 85 per cent of a donut)

- Mint flavoured Aero chocolate bar.

Here is a partial list of things I didn't win at white elephant gift exchanges, although I was really hoping I would:

- Three decks of Bicycle playing cards

- Snickers chocolate bar

- Mad Magazine holiday special.

Here is a partial list of things I'm happy I didn't win at white elephant gift exchanges:

- Gardening gloves

- Poster of Jabba the Hutt

- Cinnamon flavoured crackers

- Plastic E.T.

- Cheap Dollar store Barbie doll ripoff

- Magazine with Brad Pitt on the cover

- Panty hose** 

-

 

Of all the things I won, the jar of Ovaltine remained in my possession the second longest. (The first is the Obi Wan Kenobi sticker, which, I think, is still in a box somewhere in my apartment.) I won it in Alberta and it moved to Ontario with me, where it stayed in my cubboard for about 12 years. I made myself Ovaltine occasionally (I only drink it in winter) but then one day, I opened it and found that the Ovaltine crystals inside had decomposed into something that looked like topsoil that had been painted black. This upset me because it was very cold outside and I really wanted Ovaltine to keep me cozy.

And now I quote Carnac the Magnficent:

ANSWER: OVALTINE

QUESTION: DESCRIBE OPRAH WINFREY IN HIGH SCHOOL.

-

It would be fun to go a white elephant gift exchange at Oprah's house. In fact, I will ask AI to pretend I am going to Oprah's house to have a white elephant gift exchange with her and her best best best friends. Here is what everyone is leaving with.

Shteevie: New orange Corvette.

Oprah: Diamond-encrusted bracelet.

Gayle King: Summer home in Madrid.

Dr. Phil: Two per cent of the moon.

Dr. Phil's wife, Robin: Autographed first edition of Hamlet.

Denzel Washington: Front row tickets to Los Angeles Lakers.

Elton John: Solid gold toilet.

Barack Obama: Five million dollars in tax-free cash.

George Clooney: 500 shares of Apple.

Stedman: Obi Wan Kenobi sticker. 

 

 

 

 

 

* A gimmicked deck of magician's cards 

** They chaff. 

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