Dec. 3: Does Christmas need a Krampus?

When it comes to being the avatar of our modern Christmas celebrations, Santa Claus runs unopposed in North America. 

This is bad. 

Here is a great scene from the 2004 film Collateral where Javier Bardem gives a solid argument as to why Jolly St. Nick needs a doppelganger:


We don't have a Black Peter in North America. We've allowed Santa Claus to have the same worldview as Mr. Rogers - all children are special and they deserve to get all kinds of nice gifts on Christmas Day. The closest we come to any sort of accountability is the mild threat that misbehaving kids will get a lump of coal in their stockings.

Not all kids are beautiful and kind and special. I have anecdotal proof of this. When I was in Grade 1, one of my classmates tried to get me to eat a dog turd. He was unrelenting in his quest, pushing me to do it over and over again, until I finally resorted to the ultimate solution, threatening to tell his mom. On Christmas, he got a whole bunch of Star Wars stuff and He-Man stuff and a Big Wheel. That made me agnostic about Santa Claus. I couldn't figure out why a rotten kid like him would get rewarded by Mr. Ho Ho Ho on December 25.

That kid failed Grade 1 and wound up transferring to another school. I didn't see him for about six years and I can't say I missed him at all.

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Here is the legend of Krampus according to the website Britannica.

Krampus, in central European popular legend, a half-goat, half-demon monster that punishes misbehaving children at Christmastime. He is the devilish companion of St. Nicholas. Krampus is believed to have originated in Germany, and his name derives from the German word Krampen, which means “claw.”

The creature and St. Nicholas are said to arrive on the evening of December 5 (Krampusnacht; “Krampus Night”). While St. Nicholas rewards nice children by leaving presents, Krampus beats those who are naughty with branches and sticks. In some cases, he is said to eat them or take them to hell. On December 6, St. Nicholas Day, children awaken to find their gifts or nurse their injuries.

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That's awesome. Krampus should get just as much emphasis as Santa Claus. At the mall, Krampus should appear right beside Jolly St. Nick. If your kid is good, he can get his picture taken with Santa. If your kid is bad, Krampus beats him up. 

Same thing with Santa Claus parades. No more does Santa get the privilege of being the headliner. Now he co-stars with Krampus. Krampus, by the way, should always be played by a sharpshooter with military background. Parents of naughty children can alert Krampus where their kids will be standing during the parade. That way, Krampus can shoot 'em with a slingshot.



Always remember that it's not important why people behave. It's only important THAT they behave.




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