Dec. 21: The periodic table of geekdom

"You are such a geek," Debbie said to me.

She was sitting on a desk in our Grade 9 classroom, idly listening to me talk about a magic trick to Alison P, a fellow student who may or may not have been a geek. That I was a geek was absolute and this was because Debbie, who was not a geek and who was an authority on what qualified a person for geekhood, had deemed me to be one.

Debbie did not hurt my feelings. There was a wry smile on her face when she made her pronouncement. Her indictment was not tinged with nastiness but rather the resignation that I couldn't help myself.

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It was explained to me that a geek was someone who was interested in things that were not considered universally interesting, also known as "things that are cool." Skateboarding was cool so someone who was interested in skateboarding could not be a geek. Collecting wrestler dolls, Dungeons & Dragons, playing the bassoon, crocheting, and Star Trek were all somewhere on the periodic table of geekdom.

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I knew that "nerd" and "geek" were not synonymns, but they were sort of alike, kind of the same relationship between "Brit" and "European." A nerd was someone no one wanted to date. A geek was someone no wanted to date, but who was also interested in something no one wanted to talk about. So a geek was just a nerd with more specific traits. Nerds also wore glasses and they usually had zits and they didn't know how to dress themselves. I used to daydream about showing up at Debbie's house with a whole lot of money and hiring her to be my fashion consultant. We would go to Southcentre and she would buy me a wardrobe at Le Chateau. Then we'd go to the food court and eat Cinnabon and she would start telling me a story about her grandmother and then she would stop when she saw someone from our class and she'd get all scared because she wouldn't want them to think we were friends.

But I would go to school with my new Debbie-approved wardrobe and, on the surface, I would not look like a geek but it would become obvious that I was one as soon as I opened my mouth.

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Here is a list of things that interested me in high school:

- Alice Cooper

- Magic tricks

- A girl named Dawn Noelle, who didn't like me

- The Pittsburgh Penguins

- Being a professional actor

- Stephen King novels

- Mormon theology (even though I didn't agree with it)

- Not being a nerd

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I saw the movie, Revenge of the Nerds, at my best friend's 13th birthday party. It is not a good movie. The protagonist is a nerd named Lewis who rapes a girl by deception. This is played for laughs. In the movie, the girl thinks it's funny that she thought she was having sex with her jock boyfriend but wound up having sex with Lewis instead. In the real world, Lewis would be going to jail. In the movie, the girl laughs and realizes that nerds are good for something, even if that something is having sex with them.

Two years later, a sequel called Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise was released. It was playing in the Palace Theatre downtown. I decided that I had to see it but I couldn't convince any of my friends to go see it with me, so I wound up taking the train downtown to see it by myself. I felt wonderfully grown up, if not a little frightened, hightailing it to Stephen Avenue just to see a largely forgettable sex comedy. There weren't a lot of people in the theatre - certainly no single girls that I could talk to. Debbie wasn't there. She was probably busy designing clothes for Le Chateau. When I left the theatre, it was raining.

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There are four movies in the Revenge of the Nerds film series but only the first two were watched by me. I cannot think of a good reason why I should watch the others. Today, calling someone a nerd or a geek is a bit of a compliment. The Best Buy store even has a Geek Squad, which is a group of people who can get your computer in running order. In the 80s, when I was in school, only geeks were interested in computers. Today, the popular kids are constantly paying attention to the tiny computer in their hands.

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I talked to a successful magician once. He told me he was a proud geek. He said that most magicians are geeks and, by extension, most successful people are geeks too.

There was a hockey player in my class. He never tried hard in school because he believed he would be an NHL star one day. His lacadaisical attitude endeared himself to some of the kids, who thought he was Mr. Cool. But he never became an NHL star. But at least he wasn't a geek.

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My favourite memory of school was toward the end of Grade 12. We had done all the work in my English class and there just wasn't a whole lot left to do, so someone asked if I would do a magic show. So the next day, I brought my show into the school and the teacher wound up inviting a couple classrooms in the same hall in to watch. I performed for about a hundred people. In the audience were cool kids, geeks, nerds, bullies who had tormented me, and Debbie (I think.) I did my show and everyone applauded and I guess I took a bow as I did my high school swan song.

I still don't know if Debbie thought I was a geek at the end, but I kind of hope she did. Life makes more sense that way.