Feb. 2: The true meaning of ambiguous gravy
KFC makes the best gravy.
Hands down, actually. I am embarrassed saying that. I don't like
admitting that I dine at KFC, even if I only eat there on occasion. I
cannot afford to eat there everyday and by that, I am speaking of my
bank account and my body. I am blessed with a high metabolism but I bet
that if I ate nothing but KFC, I'd look like George Wendt.
The gravy at KFC is so good that I have seen people eat it like pudding. This is probably very bad for you, though, ironically, probably not as bad as slathering the same amount of gravy on Kentucky Fried Chicken.
The contents of KFC's gravy are ambiguous and that is probably the way KFC wants it. I understand that one of the ingredients is beef cube. For some reason, this makes me sad.
*
My dad likes to tell how our family ate KFC on my first birthday. That would have been January of 2004 and back then, it was still known as Kentucky Fried Chicken, not the acronym that is touted today. I loved KFC, especially the skin. Now, 40 years later, I learn that eating chicken skin is about as healthy as ingesting the HIV virus.
I learned everything I know about making gravy from watching my mom prepare Thanksgiving dinner. The steps appear to be as follows:
1. Collect turkey fat drippings.
2. Add a whole lot of white flour.
3. Stir for three hours.
Voila! You got gravy.
There always seemed to be enough gravy to go around. I douse my mashed potatoes and turkey with it. I like dark meat. Recently I learned that dark meat is shitty for you and the white meat (aka the bland meat) has all the nutrients.
You just can't win.
*
I am writing this in my kitchen. My 11-month-old son, who has never tasted gravy, in his playpen. He has taken off one of his socks and is now chewing on it.
I know that one day, when he is four or five, I will wind up taking him to KFC and he will love it and it will become his favourite restaurant and I will have to start saying this prayer: "Oh Lord, let my son inherit my metabolism."
*
Gravy is not good for you. Neither is chicken skin or French fries or Dr. Pepper or anything deep fried or Kraft singles or anything that comes out of McDonalds or Neapolitan ice cream or onion rings or or tapioca pudding or salt and vinegar flavoured potato chips. All these things are bad. We should eat beets instead. Or radishes.
*
I am probably a candidate for diabetes. My mom has it. I eat too much sugar. A nutritionist once told me that everyone should eat a diabetic diet, even if they're not diabetic. This fat-sugar-salt diet we're eating today is a 20th century phenomenon.
We should be eating to stay alive, not to entertain ourselves. But we don't. We are stupid. Melissa Sterling will like this note.
Sooner or later, we will all be forced to eat vegetarian diets, which are good for us. We will not do it even though we will enjoy the benefits, we will still miss going to Denny's. This kind of sucks. It is like being invited to join Motley Crue and then realizing that you have to be Mick Mars.
*
Do not eat white bread. It is bad for you. In fact, all bread is bad for you. It cuts up your intestines. People should only eat beets and kale and maple syrup and raw lemons and slivered almonds and avocado. And fish. You can eat fish as long as you don't deep fry it. If you don't eat fish, we may as well not have the maritimes.
*
This one time in Colorado, I was on a Greyhound bus and I was sitting next to a drifter we'd picked up in Montana. The bus stopped for a two-hour break and the drifter suggested we eat at KFC. We went there and he discovered that he had left his wallet on the bus. I agreed to pay for him and he said he'd pay me back once we got back on the bus. But he never did get on the bus. I was not mad. But I would have been if the meal had cost $100.
A magician friend once told me about how he drove from Calgary down to Las Vegas to take in a magic conference. Another magician heard that he was going and, at the last minute, called him and begged him to take him. My magician friend agreed.
They were, perhaps, four hours out of Calgary before the second magician told my friend that he didn't bring any money. My friend had to pay the entire trip - all those meals, hotel rooms, registration.
He's a nicer guy than me. I would have just driven him to the Greyhound station and maybe splurged on a ticket back to Calgary.
But I would not have taken him to KFC before the bus left.
Even if all he wanted was a bowl of gravy.
The gravy at KFC is so good that I have seen people eat it like pudding. This is probably very bad for you, though, ironically, probably not as bad as slathering the same amount of gravy on Kentucky Fried Chicken.
The contents of KFC's gravy are ambiguous and that is probably the way KFC wants it. I understand that one of the ingredients is beef cube. For some reason, this makes me sad.
*
My dad likes to tell how our family ate KFC on my first birthday. That would have been January of 2004 and back then, it was still known as Kentucky Fried Chicken, not the acronym that is touted today. I loved KFC, especially the skin. Now, 40 years later, I learn that eating chicken skin is about as healthy as ingesting the HIV virus.
I learned everything I know about making gravy from watching my mom prepare Thanksgiving dinner. The steps appear to be as follows:
1. Collect turkey fat drippings.
2. Add a whole lot of white flour.
3. Stir for three hours.
Voila! You got gravy.
There always seemed to be enough gravy to go around. I douse my mashed potatoes and turkey with it. I like dark meat. Recently I learned that dark meat is shitty for you and the white meat (aka the bland meat) has all the nutrients.
You just can't win.
*
I am writing this in my kitchen. My 11-month-old son, who has never tasted gravy, in his playpen. He has taken off one of his socks and is now chewing on it.
I know that one day, when he is four or five, I will wind up taking him to KFC and he will love it and it will become his favourite restaurant and I will have to start saying this prayer: "Oh Lord, let my son inherit my metabolism."
*
Gravy is not good for you. Neither is chicken skin or French fries or Dr. Pepper or anything deep fried or Kraft singles or anything that comes out of McDonalds or Neapolitan ice cream or onion rings or or tapioca pudding or salt and vinegar flavoured potato chips. All these things are bad. We should eat beets instead. Or radishes.
*
I am probably a candidate for diabetes. My mom has it. I eat too much sugar. A nutritionist once told me that everyone should eat a diabetic diet, even if they're not diabetic. This fat-sugar-salt diet we're eating today is a 20th century phenomenon.
We should be eating to stay alive, not to entertain ourselves. But we don't. We are stupid. Melissa Sterling will like this note.
Sooner or later, we will all be forced to eat vegetarian diets, which are good for us. We will not do it even though we will enjoy the benefits, we will still miss going to Denny's. This kind of sucks. It is like being invited to join Motley Crue and then realizing that you have to be Mick Mars.
*
Do not eat white bread. It is bad for you. In fact, all bread is bad for you. It cuts up your intestines. People should only eat beets and kale and maple syrup and raw lemons and slivered almonds and avocado. And fish. You can eat fish as long as you don't deep fry it. If you don't eat fish, we may as well not have the maritimes.
*
This one time in Colorado, I was on a Greyhound bus and I was sitting next to a drifter we'd picked up in Montana. The bus stopped for a two-hour break and the drifter suggested we eat at KFC. We went there and he discovered that he had left his wallet on the bus. I agreed to pay for him and he said he'd pay me back once we got back on the bus. But he never did get on the bus. I was not mad. But I would have been if the meal had cost $100.
A magician friend once told me about how he drove from Calgary down to Las Vegas to take in a magic conference. Another magician heard that he was going and, at the last minute, called him and begged him to take him. My magician friend agreed.
They were, perhaps, four hours out of Calgary before the second magician told my friend that he didn't bring any money. My friend had to pay the entire trip - all those meals, hotel rooms, registration.
He's a nicer guy than me. I would have just driven him to the Greyhound station and maybe splurged on a ticket back to Calgary.
But I would not have taken him to KFC before the bus left.
Even if all he wanted was a bowl of gravy.
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