Feb. 13: Figure skating. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
I used to go to school with this girl named Kim, who sat directly behind
me in English class in grades 7 and 8. Kim was a figure skater and she
was up every morning at 5 so she could skate. I was amazed at this level
of dedication and always wondered if she'd make it to the Olympics or -
failing that - the Ice Capades.
Then in high school, I bumped into Kim in the school's parking lot. I asked if she still figure skated and she told me that she did a little but she had to give it up as a career choice. "My knee," she said.
Knees are everything if you're a figure skater.
*
I grew up in Calgary and I was there for the 1988 Winter Olympics. The only event I actually witnessed live was bobsledding. I actually saw the Jamaican team wind its way down the track.
My mom scored tickets to the closing ceremonies. I didn't want to go but she insisted, saying I'd likely never have the chance to go to a closing ceremony ever again. kd lang sang. We all lit candles. And a guy named Toller Cranston did a backflip on the ice. On skates.
Mom was very excited to see him. She told me that he had won a bronze medal at the Montreal Olympics in 1976. Me, I couldn't get past the fact that a dude who was five-foot-eight was named Toller.
*
Figure skating, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Well, I gave you two so far.
1. You gave my former classmate, Kim, a dream, even if it was a short lived one.
2. My mom likes you. So I like you too.
And now that I think of it, here's another.
3. Your girls get to dress like this:
*
The 1988 Olympics were memorable for the Battle of the Brians - where two gay dudes named Brian duked it out for Olympic figure skating gold. I didn't know they were gay but my friend in junior high school insisted that all male figure skaters swung for the other team. (Kim once vehemently denied this but my friend didn't believe her.)
The American Brian wound up winning the gold medal while our Brian had to settle for silver. This pissed off Canadian Brian, whose last name was Orser, because he wanted to win gold.
However, Canada's Elizabeth Manley won silver at those same Olympics and she was delighted at that achievement. The camera showed her being all giddy and happy and stuff. I met Elizabeth Manley 24 years after those Olympics. She was in my town because she was the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Community Living.
Here are things I remember about Elizabeth Manley:
1. She likes 50 Shades of Grey.
2. She likes to tell a joke about a tampon saleswoman and a Preparation H salesman who meet on a golf course.
3. Once she was so stressed out that she lost a lot of her hair.
4. Someone once told her she'd never make it as a figure skater.
5. One of her old coaches died of AIDS.
6. When she was a kid, a mean rival skater used to make fun of her all the time and years later, after Elizabeth Manley had enjoyed a successful career, she saw that rival skater doing a nude skating revue in Las Vegas.
7. She signed an autograph for my friend, Christina Long Gerbrandt, which I have not forwarded to her yet because I am bad.
*
The Battle of the Brians was an awesome figure skating story. Unfortunately, whenever anyone thinks about Olympic figure skating sagas, they think of poor Nancy Kerrigan, who survived an attack by the ex-husband of her skating rival, Tonya Harding allegedly to stop the former from competing in the 1994 Winter Games in Norway. I was getting so tired of hearing about that story. I thought it was going to go on forever and then OJ Simpson happened and the media jumped on that instead.
*
When he was five, my best friend, Jason, went to the Ice Capades - the theme of which was McDonalds on ice. This is grotesque for a number of reasons.
1. Figure skaters are probably strongly discouraged from eating anything at McDonalds. Except maybe the water.
2. Ronald McDonald on ice skates is a sure sign of the apocalypse.
3. It is a shameless mix of commercialism and art.
4. Kids are already scared of Grimace, so having him on skates and charging up to them is going to give them nightmares.
Jason was in the front row and Grimace got too close and Jason panicked and threw his orange drink at him.
Elizabeth Manley would have approved.
Then in high school, I bumped into Kim in the school's parking lot. I asked if she still figure skated and she told me that she did a little but she had to give it up as a career choice. "My knee," she said.
Knees are everything if you're a figure skater.
*
I grew up in Calgary and I was there for the 1988 Winter Olympics. The only event I actually witnessed live was bobsledding. I actually saw the Jamaican team wind its way down the track.
My mom scored tickets to the closing ceremonies. I didn't want to go but she insisted, saying I'd likely never have the chance to go to a closing ceremony ever again. kd lang sang. We all lit candles. And a guy named Toller Cranston did a backflip on the ice. On skates.
Mom was very excited to see him. She told me that he had won a bronze medal at the Montreal Olympics in 1976. Me, I couldn't get past the fact that a dude who was five-foot-eight was named Toller.
*
Figure skating, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. Well, I gave you two so far.
1. You gave my former classmate, Kim, a dream, even if it was a short lived one.
2. My mom likes you. So I like you too.
And now that I think of it, here's another.
3. Your girls get to dress like this:
*
The 1988 Olympics were memorable for the Battle of the Brians - where two gay dudes named Brian duked it out for Olympic figure skating gold. I didn't know they were gay but my friend in junior high school insisted that all male figure skaters swung for the other team. (Kim once vehemently denied this but my friend didn't believe her.)
The American Brian wound up winning the gold medal while our Brian had to settle for silver. This pissed off Canadian Brian, whose last name was Orser, because he wanted to win gold.
However, Canada's Elizabeth Manley won silver at those same Olympics and she was delighted at that achievement. The camera showed her being all giddy and happy and stuff. I met Elizabeth Manley 24 years after those Olympics. She was in my town because she was the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Community Living.
Here are things I remember about Elizabeth Manley:
1. She likes 50 Shades of Grey.
2. She likes to tell a joke about a tampon saleswoman and a Preparation H salesman who meet on a golf course.
3. Once she was so stressed out that she lost a lot of her hair.
4. Someone once told her she'd never make it as a figure skater.
5. One of her old coaches died of AIDS.
6. When she was a kid, a mean rival skater used to make fun of her all the time and years later, after Elizabeth Manley had enjoyed a successful career, she saw that rival skater doing a nude skating revue in Las Vegas.
7. She signed an autograph for my friend, Christina Long Gerbrandt, which I have not forwarded to her yet because I am bad.
*
The Battle of the Brians was an awesome figure skating story. Unfortunately, whenever anyone thinks about Olympic figure skating sagas, they think of poor Nancy Kerrigan, who survived an attack by the ex-husband of her skating rival, Tonya Harding allegedly to stop the former from competing in the 1994 Winter Games in Norway. I was getting so tired of hearing about that story. I thought it was going to go on forever and then OJ Simpson happened and the media jumped on that instead.
*
When he was five, my best friend, Jason, went to the Ice Capades - the theme of which was McDonalds on ice. This is grotesque for a number of reasons.
1. Figure skaters are probably strongly discouraged from eating anything at McDonalds. Except maybe the water.
2. Ronald McDonald on ice skates is a sure sign of the apocalypse.
3. It is a shameless mix of commercialism and art.
4. Kids are already scared of Grimace, so having him on skates and charging up to them is going to give them nightmares.
Jason was in the front row and Grimace got too close and Jason panicked and threw his orange drink at him.
Elizabeth Manley would have approved.
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