Feb. 1: Grab the monkey and follow me... there's no time to explain
"Grab the monkey and follow me, there's no time to explain."
The urgency in Nanook's voice was so great that it wouldn't have made any difference if the chimp was red hot. Sonja grabbed the monkey, slung it over her shoulder, and joined Nanook on the catwalk. Below them, the undead were shuffling toward them. How many of them had Nanook and Sonja killed these past three weeks? They had lost count. But still they came. Moaning that awful undead caterwaul that would haunt their dreams forever.
The stink in this abandoned factory rose thickly around them - filling their nostrils with the sweet stench of rotting flesh. One of the zombies, inexplicably wearing a New York Islanders jersey, made a grab for Nanook's ankle. As it did so, its arm fell off. The zombie didn't appear to notice. It just stared up at the girls with its dead eyes that were oddly both vacant and evil.
A shotgun blast suddenly tore apart the world and the zombie's head exploded, spewing black poisonous blood everywhere. Nanook and Sonja looked to the right, saw a blond man in a chiropractor's outfit, standing in the doorway. He held a sawed off shotgun in both hands. Between his lips, a toothpicks rolled from side to side. There was a tattoo on his left forearm. It was a cartoon elf and Sonja remembered it from her childhood - an animated Christmas special that featured an elf who wanted to be a dentist.
"Hi girls," the blond man said. "Name's Christian Brix - zombie killer."
"You arrived just in time," said Nanook . "We're all out of ammo and we thought we were done for. Those zombies aren't very good at climbing stairs but we knew they'd find a way up here in a matter of time."
"Yeah," Christian Brix said. "What's with the chimp?"
"He had a neurotoxin injected into him at the University of Calgary," explained Sonja . "We believe it can reverse the zombie epidemic."
"I have a friend who works at a hospital," Christian Brix said. "Let's go."
*
Outside, they jumped into Christian Brix's Ferrari, which he can afford because he's a chiropractor/dentist/builder of Christian bricks (not Muslim or Hindu or Jewish bricks.) They drove to the Cornwall Community Hospital, which was quarantined off by the National Guard (this was Canada, so that meant two soldiers and a fat guy in a jeep with a walkie-talkie.)
Before they could get into the hospital, an Italian man in a grey suit and a black trenchcoat came charging at them. He was holding a microphone. A tall woman with a TV camera trailed him.
"Ms. Nanook ? Ms. Sonja? My name is Paul L___and I'm with Eye Witness News. This is my camera operator and segment producer Nicole J____. We understand that that monkey has a serum in him that can reverse the zombie plague. Is that true?"
"Yes," said Nanook . "Please get out of our way because the serum needs to be extracted from him within 10 minutes."
They ran into the hospital. Inside, they saw a lady in the hallway. She was wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey and looking down at two dead bodies that lay on gurneys. One of them was a blonde woman and in her hand she was clutching a book called What Shat That.
Recognition flooded Nanook's face.
"Is that Christina L___, the famous figure skater?" she asked.
"Indeed it is," said the woman in the Montreal Canadiens jersey. "The other body is a woman named Crystal. Our team pulled her out of a port-a-potty this morning. She didn't want to leave, saying that she was the first to use it and that made her truly happy."
The woman in the Canadiens jersey looked at Nanook and Sonja and Christian Brix.
"I am Dr. Chabot. Is that the monkey?"
"Ee!" screeched the monkey.
"Give it to me then," said Dr. Chabot, holding out her arms. "We need to extract the serum and inject these two bodies. If we don't do it soon, they will rise as zombies."
Nanook, Sonja and Christian Brix ran into the treatment room, where the serum was extracted from the monkey. The monkey died but that's okay. The serum could be reproduced and that would save the world.
Christian Brix took the serum and poured it all over his shotgun shells. Then he handed the gun to Sonja, who ran back into the hallway.
Christina and Crystal had risen from their gurneys. They were now zombies and would do things that unthinking zombies do like go "uhhhh" and eat brains and vote for the New Democrats.
Christina and Crystal lurched toward Sonja, obviously intent on devouring the brains from another woman.
"Uhhhh," said Christina.
"Uhgh," said Crystal.
BLAM BLAM went the shotgun.
Christina and Crystal were no longer zombies. Now Christina was a figure skater again and Crystal was a security guard/superhero.
"This is amazing," said Christina. "Thank you so much for rescuing me and giving me back my figure skating career."
"Yes," said Crystal. "I will get a tattoo of you on my calf."
Sonja was about to say something nice when there came a great collective groan from outside the hospital. She ran to the window. The parking lot outside was filled with zombies. There were hundreds - nay thousands - of them. All of them shuffling toward the hospital, dead jaws clacking, the air was filled with the mad sound of bugs
nesting in their flesh.
In the distance, a man in a black topcoat stood. His face was pale, his eyes glazed, an x on his forehead. His hair was as black as night and on his hand was a metal claw thingee.
He was smiling at them and when he spoke, his voice carried over the distance.
"I am Nikolai, the zombie lord," he said. "And this story is not over. It is only beginning."
The urgency in Nanook's voice was so great that it wouldn't have made any difference if the chimp was red hot. Sonja grabbed the monkey, slung it over her shoulder, and joined Nanook on the catwalk. Below them, the undead were shuffling toward them. How many of them had Nanook and Sonja killed these past three weeks? They had lost count. But still they came. Moaning that awful undead caterwaul that would haunt their dreams forever.
The stink in this abandoned factory rose thickly around them - filling their nostrils with the sweet stench of rotting flesh. One of the zombies, inexplicably wearing a New York Islanders jersey, made a grab for Nanook's ankle. As it did so, its arm fell off. The zombie didn't appear to notice. It just stared up at the girls with its dead eyes that were oddly both vacant and evil.
A shotgun blast suddenly tore apart the world and the zombie's head exploded, spewing black poisonous blood everywhere. Nanook and Sonja looked to the right, saw a blond man in a chiropractor's outfit, standing in the doorway. He held a sawed off shotgun in both hands. Between his lips, a toothpicks rolled from side to side. There was a tattoo on his left forearm. It was a cartoon elf and Sonja remembered it from her childhood - an animated Christmas special that featured an elf who wanted to be a dentist.
"Hi girls," the blond man said. "Name's Christian Brix - zombie killer."
"You arrived just in time," said Nanook . "We're all out of ammo and we thought we were done for. Those zombies aren't very good at climbing stairs but we knew they'd find a way up here in a matter of time."
"Yeah," Christian Brix said. "What's with the chimp?"
"He had a neurotoxin injected into him at the University of Calgary," explained Sonja . "We believe it can reverse the zombie epidemic."
"I have a friend who works at a hospital," Christian Brix said. "Let's go."
*
Outside, they jumped into Christian Brix's Ferrari, which he can afford because he's a chiropractor/dentist/builder of Christian bricks (not Muslim or Hindu or Jewish bricks.) They drove to the Cornwall Community Hospital, which was quarantined off by the National Guard (this was Canada, so that meant two soldiers and a fat guy in a jeep with a walkie-talkie.)
Before they could get into the hospital, an Italian man in a grey suit and a black trenchcoat came charging at them. He was holding a microphone. A tall woman with a TV camera trailed him.
"Ms. Nanook ? Ms. Sonja? My name is Paul L___and I'm with Eye Witness News. This is my camera operator and segment producer Nicole J____. We understand that that monkey has a serum in him that can reverse the zombie plague. Is that true?"
"Yes," said Nanook . "Please get out of our way because the serum needs to be extracted from him within 10 minutes."
They ran into the hospital. Inside, they saw a lady in the hallway. She was wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey and looking down at two dead bodies that lay on gurneys. One of them was a blonde woman and in her hand she was clutching a book called What Shat That.
Recognition flooded Nanook's face.
"Is that Christina L___, the famous figure skater?" she asked.
"Indeed it is," said the woman in the Montreal Canadiens jersey. "The other body is a woman named Crystal. Our team pulled her out of a port-a-potty this morning. She didn't want to leave, saying that she was the first to use it and that made her truly happy."
The woman in the Canadiens jersey looked at Nanook and Sonja and Christian Brix.
"I am Dr. Chabot. Is that the monkey?"
"Ee!" screeched the monkey.
"Give it to me then," said Dr. Chabot, holding out her arms. "We need to extract the serum and inject these two bodies. If we don't do it soon, they will rise as zombies."
Nanook, Sonja and Christian Brix ran into the treatment room, where the serum was extracted from the monkey. The monkey died but that's okay. The serum could be reproduced and that would save the world.
Christian Brix took the serum and poured it all over his shotgun shells. Then he handed the gun to Sonja, who ran back into the hallway.
Christina and Crystal had risen from their gurneys. They were now zombies and would do things that unthinking zombies do like go "uhhhh" and eat brains and vote for the New Democrats.
Christina and Crystal lurched toward Sonja, obviously intent on devouring the brains from another woman.
"Uhhhh," said Christina.
"Uhgh," said Crystal.
BLAM BLAM went the shotgun.
Christina and Crystal were no longer zombies. Now Christina was a figure skater again and Crystal was a security guard/superhero.
"This is amazing," said Christina. "Thank you so much for rescuing me and giving me back my figure skating career."
"Yes," said Crystal. "I will get a tattoo of you on my calf."
Sonja was about to say something nice when there came a great collective groan from outside the hospital. She ran to the window. The parking lot outside was filled with zombies. There were hundreds - nay thousands - of them. All of them shuffling toward the hospital, dead jaws clacking, the air was filled with the mad sound of bugs
nesting in their flesh.
In the distance, a man in a black topcoat stood. His face was pale, his eyes glazed, an x on his forehead. His hair was as black as night and on his hand was a metal claw thingee.
He was smiling at them and when he spoke, his voice carried over the distance.
"I am Nikolai, the zombie lord," he said. "And this story is not over. It is only beginning."
Comments
Post a Comment