Aug. 9: The future
When I was in high school, I watched a television preacher say he believed Jesus would come back in his lifetime.
The preacher is dead now.
-
The Jehovah's Witnesses believe that Jesus came back invisibly in 1914 or so. That was a hundred years ago.
-
When I was in high school, I thought my future would involve me acting in a whole lot of plays (and maybe some movies too.) I thought I would attend the National Theatre School of Canada and that I'd make about $45,000 a year through my acting.
Today, I think my future involves me renting a rug doctor and cleaning my carpet.
My son just peed on it.
-
Now that I have a kid, I think my future will involve me chasing the kid around. He will probably do the normal kid things - get into soccer or hockey, do school plays, or need me to pick him up at the 7-Eleven.
I don't think I'll see a full out nuclear war in my life. I think I'll see more unemployment as we continue to outsource our jobs to China or machines that were made in China.
-
Now that I am 40, I am afraid that my future will one day involve a doctor sticking a finger up my ass. Prostate. Gotta get it checked.
-
I think the Calgary Flames will win another Stanley Cup sometime in the future. Just not while I'm alive.
-
Three personal predictions for the future:
Short term: Tonight I will order a pizza.
Medium term: I will get my apartment clean again.
Long term: I will finish writing my novel.
Three global predictions for the future:
Short term: There will be violence in the Middle East.
Medium term: Ditto.
Long term: Ditto.
-
When I was 10, an article in Mad Magazine made reference to "the crisis in the Middle East."
I asked my dad what was the crisis in the Middle East and he said there has always been a crisis in the Middle East. At the time he said it was the war between Iran and Iraq. I asked my dad what they were fighting about and he said it had a lot to do with religion and dominance. I asked if they were fighting over what letter was best to end a four-letter-word starting with IRA, N or Q?
That's probably just as sensible a reason to go to war.
-
In the future, the very near future, I will travel to Calgary to visit my family. Next month, I hope to take a week's vacation to write. Nothing but write. No Internet, no computer, no friends or family. Just me and a fountain pen and a whole lot of paper. One week of perfect solitude. I will eat corn chips and drink Dr. Pepper and write.
Heaven.
-
The biggest social change I've witnessed in my life is widespread acceptance of homosexuality and, consequently, an increased intolerance of Christianity, Islam and Judaism. I don't expect either of these trends to reverse themselves.
-
I went to Expo 86 in Vancouver. I was 13. I went twice. Once with my Grade 7 class and once with my family. I enjoyed the trip with my class more. We took an airplane from Calgary. We arrived in Vancouver in the morning, spent the day at the fairgrounds, and took the plane back in the evening. A school bus picked us up at the airport and took us back to school. By the time I got off the bus, it was 1:30 in the morning. I'd never seen Elbow Drive so empty. I decided to walk home. I was afraid but I was also proud of myself. I knew it was highly unlikely for me to run into a rabid dog or a street gang or a devil in suburban Calgary in the springtime. Just doesn't happen.
One of the pavilions at Expo 86 was Expo Centre's Science World, which featured a theatre with something called an OMNIMAX movie screen. It was an interactive theatre and every seat was outfitted with an armrest that had three buttons on it. People would sit in their seats and they'd watch a movie about all sorts of scientific developments and then they would ask a question with three possible answers and the people had to push a button corresponding to one of those answers. For example, one of the segments was about the pituitary gland and how it plays a big role in the aging process. If scientists could figure out how to control this gland, it could enable people to live a lot longer - quite possibly in an eternal state of youth. The question asked was this: "If such a procedure was offered to you, how long would you choose to live? If you'd live forever, press the blue button. If you'd live about four or five lifetimes, say about 350 years, press the green button. If you'd just live out your natural life, press the red button."
I pressed the blue button. I was 13. I hated my life because there was this total asshole in my class named Derek, but I knew he was going to a different school next year so I figured my life would get better. Today Derek isn't in my life at all. I don't know if I'd press the blue button today.
-
Listen: The last question asked in the OMNIMAX was how people felt about the future. Were we excited about it (blue?) Were we so-so about it (green?) We're we dreading it (red?)
I pushed blue.
That summer, I went back to Expo 86 with my family. My mom and I sat beside each other in Science World. When the question about the pituitary gland came up, my mom chose to live her natural life rather than prolong it through mutation. When the last question came up, I watched carefully to see what button she'd push.
It was red.
My mom, only a few months short of her 46th birthday, didn't feel optimistic about the future. I never asked her why she pushed that button. What was it about the future she dreaded so much? Wasn't she looking forward to seeing her kids grow up, graduate university, get married and start presenting her with grandkids?
It's a question I've been wanting to ask for almost 30 years but I never found an opportune time to ask.
So I'll ask it now. For the first time ever in note-a-day, I'll call someone out.
Why, mom? Why did you press the red button?
It wrecked my vacation.
-
-
The Bible tells us that only God knows the future. I guess that's true for the most part. As a magician, I have a lot of fun proving to my audiences that I can predict the future too. The audience knows I can't really predict the future but they go along with it anyway in the name of entertainment. We dance.
But actually, I can predict the future. Watch this:
I am holding a spoon right now. I predict that in five seconds, the spoon will be on the floor.
It is five seconds later. I let go of the spoon. It's on the floor now.
Prophet.
-
In the Old Testament, the prophet Isaiah tells about how Jesus will be born in the future. The Bible might also talk about how Israel will be wiped out but will be re-established around the end times. (This could be Jack van Impe talking out of his bum so I am tagging some people who might know better.)
-
Holy smokes. Jack Van Impe is still alive!!!
-
When I was a teenager, I was hanging out in the basement of my best friend, Jason's house. We were bored so we turned on the TV and there was Jack Van Impe and his wife, Rexella, doing their talk show where they interpret news headlines and apply it to Bible prophecy.
Jack and Rexella Van Impe looked like this:
I always thought Rexella was kind of pretty.
Jason and I watched the show. Jason made fun of it. I didn't because I'm a believer and I thought I'd get zapped with a lightning bolt if I did. Then it was time for the end of the show and Rexella said: "And remember, Jack Van Impe Ministries never asks you to send in donations."
"Wow," said Jason. "I guess I have some respect for them after all."
-
Jack van Impe says that the Bible predicted the advent of computers and he believes they will play a vital role in the reign of the antiChrist.
I guess that kind of goes without saying. If AntiChrist was here right now, I doubt he'd be waging war with sticks and stones. He'd probably use Facebook, Twitter and Joel Osteen.
And those are my thoughts about the future.
Most dangerous man in America.
The preacher is dead now.
-
The Jehovah's Witnesses believe that Jesus came back invisibly in 1914 or so. That was a hundred years ago.
-
When I was in high school, I thought my future would involve me acting in a whole lot of plays (and maybe some movies too.) I thought I would attend the National Theatre School of Canada and that I'd make about $45,000 a year through my acting.
Today, I think my future involves me renting a rug doctor and cleaning my carpet.
My son just peed on it.
-
Now that I have a kid, I think my future will involve me chasing the kid around. He will probably do the normal kid things - get into soccer or hockey, do school plays, or need me to pick him up at the 7-Eleven.
I don't think I'll see a full out nuclear war in my life. I think I'll see more unemployment as we continue to outsource our jobs to China or machines that were made in China.
-
Now that I am 40, I am afraid that my future will one day involve a doctor sticking a finger up my ass. Prostate. Gotta get it checked.
-
I think the Calgary Flames will win another Stanley Cup sometime in the future. Just not while I'm alive.
-
Three personal predictions for the future:
Short term: Tonight I will order a pizza.
Medium term: I will get my apartment clean again.
Long term: I will finish writing my novel.
Three global predictions for the future:
Short term: There will be violence in the Middle East.
Medium term: Ditto.
Long term: Ditto.
-
When I was 10, an article in Mad Magazine made reference to "the crisis in the Middle East."
I asked my dad what was the crisis in the Middle East and he said there has always been a crisis in the Middle East. At the time he said it was the war between Iran and Iraq. I asked my dad what they were fighting about and he said it had a lot to do with religion and dominance. I asked if they were fighting over what letter was best to end a four-letter-word starting with IRA, N or Q?
That's probably just as sensible a reason to go to war.
-
In the future, the very near future, I will travel to Calgary to visit my family. Next month, I hope to take a week's vacation to write. Nothing but write. No Internet, no computer, no friends or family. Just me and a fountain pen and a whole lot of paper. One week of perfect solitude. I will eat corn chips and drink Dr. Pepper and write.
Heaven.
-
The biggest social change I've witnessed in my life is widespread acceptance of homosexuality and, consequently, an increased intolerance of Christianity, Islam and Judaism. I don't expect either of these trends to reverse themselves.
-
I went to Expo 86 in Vancouver. I was 13. I went twice. Once with my Grade 7 class and once with my family. I enjoyed the trip with my class more. We took an airplane from Calgary. We arrived in Vancouver in the morning, spent the day at the fairgrounds, and took the plane back in the evening. A school bus picked us up at the airport and took us back to school. By the time I got off the bus, it was 1:30 in the morning. I'd never seen Elbow Drive so empty. I decided to walk home. I was afraid but I was also proud of myself. I knew it was highly unlikely for me to run into a rabid dog or a street gang or a devil in suburban Calgary in the springtime. Just doesn't happen.
One of the pavilions at Expo 86 was Expo Centre's Science World, which featured a theatre with something called an OMNIMAX movie screen. It was an interactive theatre and every seat was outfitted with an armrest that had three buttons on it. People would sit in their seats and they'd watch a movie about all sorts of scientific developments and then they would ask a question with three possible answers and the people had to push a button corresponding to one of those answers. For example, one of the segments was about the pituitary gland and how it plays a big role in the aging process. If scientists could figure out how to control this gland, it could enable people to live a lot longer - quite possibly in an eternal state of youth. The question asked was this: "If such a procedure was offered to you, how long would you choose to live? If you'd live forever, press the blue button. If you'd live about four or five lifetimes, say about 350 years, press the green button. If you'd just live out your natural life, press the red button."
I pressed the blue button. I was 13. I hated my life because there was this total asshole in my class named Derek, but I knew he was going to a different school next year so I figured my life would get better. Today Derek isn't in my life at all. I don't know if I'd press the blue button today.
-
Listen: The last question asked in the OMNIMAX was how people felt about the future. Were we excited about it (blue?) Were we so-so about it (green?) We're we dreading it (red?)
I pushed blue.
That summer, I went back to Expo 86 with my family. My mom and I sat beside each other in Science World. When the question about the pituitary gland came up, my mom chose to live her natural life rather than prolong it through mutation. When the last question came up, I watched carefully to see what button she'd push.
It was red.
My mom, only a few months short of her 46th birthday, didn't feel optimistic about the future. I never asked her why she pushed that button. What was it about the future she dreaded so much? Wasn't she looking forward to seeing her kids grow up, graduate university, get married and start presenting her with grandkids?
It's a question I've been wanting to ask for almost 30 years but I never found an opportune time to ask.
So I'll ask it now. For the first time ever in note-a-day, I'll call someone out.
Why, mom? Why did you press the red button?
It wrecked my vacation.
-
-
The Bible tells us that only God knows the future. I guess that's true for the most part. As a magician, I have a lot of fun proving to my audiences that I can predict the future too. The audience knows I can't really predict the future but they go along with it anyway in the name of entertainment. We dance.
But actually, I can predict the future. Watch this:
I am holding a spoon right now. I predict that in five seconds, the spoon will be on the floor.
It is five seconds later. I let go of the spoon. It's on the floor now.
Prophet.
-
In the Old Testament, the prophet Isaiah tells about how Jesus will be born in the future. The Bible might also talk about how Israel will be wiped out but will be re-established around the end times. (This could be Jack van Impe talking out of his bum so I am tagging some people who might know better.)
-
Holy smokes. Jack Van Impe is still alive!!!
-
When I was a teenager, I was hanging out in the basement of my best friend, Jason's house. We were bored so we turned on the TV and there was Jack Van Impe and his wife, Rexella, doing their talk show where they interpret news headlines and apply it to Bible prophecy.
Jack and Rexella Van Impe looked like this:
I always thought Rexella was kind of pretty.Jason and I watched the show. Jason made fun of it. I didn't because I'm a believer and I thought I'd get zapped with a lightning bolt if I did. Then it was time for the end of the show and Rexella said: "And remember, Jack Van Impe Ministries never asks you to send in donations."
"Wow," said Jason. "I guess I have some respect for them after all."
-
Jack van Impe says that the Bible predicted the advent of computers and he believes they will play a vital role in the reign of the antiChrist.
I guess that kind of goes without saying. If AntiChrist was here right now, I doubt he'd be waging war with sticks and stones. He'd probably use Facebook, Twitter and Joel Osteen.
And those are my thoughts about the future.
Most dangerous man in America.
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