So my kid loves Caillou. Adores him, in fact. Caillou is part of his routine. It's his ritual. His daytime schedule might change. One day he might go swimming. One day he might have school. One day he might go to the park. But the day always ends with Caillou. Always.
He can't quite pronounce Caillou's name. "Cow," he says, and I know he's not talking about the four-legged animals that give us milk and say moo. He's asking for his animated best friend and product of la belle province, Mr. Caillou I-don't-have-a-last-name.
The DVD player in my bedroom has played the same Caillou DVD over and over again since summer began. The program is about an hour long. It's a mix of puppet shows, children's music videos, and, of course, episodes of Caillou.
Caillou is a four-year-old boy who lives in a universe where almost everything is red or green or yellow or blue. He has a mom and a dad and a little sister named Rosie and a cat named Gilbert. He has a best friend named Leo. Caillou has a pretty amazing life. Everyone's life seems to revolve around helping Caillou resolve his virtually nonexistent problems. Daddy works but we don't know what he does (he's probably not a proctologist.) Mommy is probably a housewife. Caillou also has two grandparents who love him very very very very very very much. And his teacher, Miss Martin, is hot is a cartoonish kind of way.
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I have absorbed the contents of the Caillou DVD through osmosis. I have never sat down and devoted all my attention to the Caillou DVD, but I've seen and heard enough bits and pieces over the past few months to build a whole out of the parts.
There's an episode where Caillou has a sleepover with Leo. There's an episode where Caillou gets a mystery Valentine at school. There's an episode where Caillou goes fishing with his daddy and grandpa. There's an episode where Caillou and his family have fun playing in the water in their front yard. There's an episode where Caillou builds a spaceship out of a cardboard box. There's an episode where Caillou watches his dad play a baseball game. There's an episode where Caillou farts on his hand and smells it. *
Like Mister Rogers before him, the Caillou universe is one that is ripe for parody. Some parents have banned Caillou in their homes; they believe him to be nothing more than a whiny brat and they don't want to encourage their offspring to emulate him. Maybe so, but the Caillou world is one that is devoid of cliché (except for the everyone laughs ending, which comes up quite a bit.) Everything that happens in Caillou's world really could happen in real life. And since Caillou lives with a nuclear family in a middle class suburb on Treehouse TV, we know that we're not going to have any of those Very Special Episodes.** For example, Caillou won't ever get on the internet and find a video of Miss Martin doing shots while her drunk girlfriend sings Cyndi Lauper songs at a karaoke bar.
But as any creative writing student will tell you, conflict is the lifeblood of fiction. So if we're going to tell stories about four-year-old Caillou, then we know that Caillou has to have a problem that he wants to solve. For the most part, Caillou will try to solve that problem by whining.
Take the episode where Caillou and Leo want to play astronauts outside. The problem is that Rosie is taking a nap so Caillou and Leo have to play quietly. Caillou doesn't think it's fair that he has to play quietly because his stupid sister wants to catch some Z's. So Caillou whines to his mom and then his mom solves the problem by having Caillou and Leo put on make believe spacesuits so they can go for a spacewalk.
As I said, I have watched a whole lot of Caillou episodes and I can safely say that I can see why some parents find the show infuriating. I find it infuriating too, but it's not Caillou who irks me. It's the narrator.
The narrator gives Caillou his inner voice, telling the audience how Caillou feels at any given moment. The narrator's voice is female and grandmotherly, the kind of woman who's been going to United Church of Canada services for more than 50 years and whose biggest thrill in life is baking cookies for the neighbourhood children. Whenever she comments about Caillou, she does it with a laugh lurking in the back of her throat, as if everything Caillou thinks or says or does is absolutely adorable.
Parents would probably enjoy Caillou more if, instead of that grandmotherly sounding voice actress, the show was narrated by Joe Pesci.
Well I won't deny my kid his Caillou fix. Kiddo has been obsessed with a lot of things over the years. Thomas the Train. Bobs and Lolo. Toy Story. Elmo. Choo Choo Soul. Peppa Pig. But Caillou has been there the longest and if he brings a little bit of joy into my son's life then I suppose he's welcome in my home.
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* I'm just kidding. There's no episode where Caillou goes fishing.
** Some later research tells me that there have been some Caillou episodes that were banned, including ones that dealt with bullying and violence. I also learned that Caillou's last name is Anderson and that his dad's name is Boris Robert.
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