Dec. 19: Only time will tell

 This note is going to be about Van Halen. Only a little though. In fact, this note is going to be very disjointed. There are some reasons for this. Here are some of them:

1. It's kind of late and I spent the whole day doing stuff with my kid and then taking everyone to see Christmas lights in Ottawa.

2. I have a pressing story that I have to write for the newspaper by tomorrow morning.

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So Stephanie gives me "Only Time Will Tell" as a title and the first thing I think about is that Van Halen lyric "only time will tell if we stand the test of time." I thought that was silly but that's because I misremembered it as being in Van Halen's song Right Now, which was done in the Hagar era. In actuality, it's from the song Why Can't This Be Love, which is also from the Hagar era.

So I am moderately annoyed because I wanted to talk about the Right Now video, but I can't, because it's not the right song.

Well actually, I CAN write about it because I have already laid out a sequence of events that lead me to this. They are as follows.

1. Stephanie says "Only Time Will Tell."

2. Shteevie's brain says: "That is in the Van Halen song, Why Can't This Be Love?"

3. Another Van Halen song is Right Now. 

Hooray, so maybe we can go to Right Now and talk about it.

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Sammy Hagar said he was tired of writing mindless sex songs like Why Can't This Be Love? So he started writing lyrics for Right Now, which is about living in the moment and not being afraid to make a change in your life. The song came out in early 1992 about one year after I graduated from high school and about a year before I met the person who gave me the title for this note when I was working at Lazer Illusions. A music video was made for Right Now and it talked about a whole lot of things that were happening RIGHT NOW, like in 1992.

So because I am really funny (and a bit of a jerk) let's look at all the things that were happening in 1992 and see if they hold up almost 30 years later. (Good grief, I am that old.)

Note: Someone has probably already done this before. I will try to be funnier.

Right now, Ed is playing the piano: No, he's not.

Right now, people are having unprotected sex: Probably true, and I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing. The world still needs people and some of them have to be born around September 19, 2022.

Right now, opportunity is passing you by: Well, I have an opportunity to write a really funny note, so I don't think it is.

Right now, justice is being perverted in a court of law: Some famous dude once said that justice and the law are not synonymous.

Right now, blacks and whites don't eat together very much: There's black people in my church and I sit beside them all the time. So there!

Right now, you could be outside: Yeah, but it's -16 and there's wind chill and it's warm in my apartment and I am drinking Ovaltine. So I am fine with that.

Right now, the light in a star from M-5 is heading toward Earth: I won't be alive to see it.

Right now, light that left M-5 a thousand years ago is reaching your house: In case you were confused by what I wrote above, now you know.

Right now, God is killing moms and dogs because he has to: Pass.

Right now, guilt is turning someone inside out: That's pretty much the way I've lived my life since I was 13.

Right now, Van Halen is planning a world tour: No, they're not.

Right now, there's a bomb factory hard at work: Right now, a big fat guy is eating at Taco Bell. Same thing.

Right now, you are sitting too close: If I sit back any farther, I won't be able to reach the keyboard.

Right now, somebody's got the wrong idea: I guess that's why the Liberals are in power.

Right now, oil companies and old men are in control: Nah, right now the omicron variant is in control. And Bezos.

Right now, it's business as usual in the woods: Animals mating and killing each other. 

Right now, nothing is more expensive than regret (then there's a picture of a condom): Look Van Halen, stop writing songs that glorify recreational sex and then thinking you can solve the problems you create by talking about condoms. Seriously, be more like U2. 

Right now, people who can't READ/BREATHE are bumming: Nah, take the beam out of your eyes, boys. Everyone knows you were hardcore smokers and drinkers throughout your career. Plugging my ears on this one.

Right now is just a space between ice ages: Then nothing really matters, does it?

Right now, youth is king: Yeah, I have a kid and I take him swimming a billion times a week. I'm pretty sure he wonders why he doesn't have a crown.

Right now, maybe we should pay attention to the lyrics; Why? Is David Lee Roth writing them again?

Right now is a good time to repent: John the Baptist already said that. And I could be wrong about this but I'm thinking he might have more street cred than you guys.

Right now, the truth is being obscured: I work in the newspaper industry and I get told that everyday by special interest groups who want me to ignore facts.

Right now, science is building a better tomato: It already tried to do that with oranges. The result was called Tang.

Right now, pigs are becoming lunch: Not in Israel.

Right now, someone is working too hard for minimum wage: Right now, people who want to raise the minimum wage are saying they won't pay $10 for a Big Mac.

Right now, a convenience store is open: And at least one of them is staffed by people making minimum wage.

Right now, Mike is thinking about a solo project: Now would be a good time to do that.

Right now, your parents miss you: That statement, at least as it applies to me right now, has probably never been more true.

Right now, oysters are being robbed of their only possessions: Somehow, I don't think they care.

Right now, no one is safe from loneliness: And right now, no one is safe from being surrounded by idiots.

Right now, it's cold where someone you love is: True dat. Right now, it's like -26 in Calgree.

Right now, it's nice in Cabo: Yep, that's true. I just looked it up. 22 degrees. That's nicer than here. Of course, if I was watching the Van Halen video IN Cabo, what would happen? Probably Sammy Hagar would disappear into a wormhole.

Right now, a mad man is wandering the streets of the town you live in: No, I don't think that's true. Not with the weather the way it is.

Right now, a tired man with a wounded heart is sitting in a coach seat on an east bound transatlantic flight looking out the window wondering how to say "dog" "howl" and "moon" in French, just in case it comes up: Here, I'll help. Chien. Hurler. Lune. See, Mawca? Fluent in French AND English.

Right now, she is going on with her life: This has been demonstrated to me. I am not a god. I don't deserve to be worshipped. 

Right now, time is having its way with you: I know. You should see what it's doing to my hairline.

Right now, forces are aligning against you: Yes, to make me lose my hairline.

Right now, someone is walking onto a nude beach for the first time: This reminds me of one of my favourite jokes. A man goes to a nude beach for the first time. Unfortunately, it's very cold. How cold was it? It was so cold that someone walked up to him and said: "Is this your first time at the nude beach, ma'am?"

Right now, Ed's got his hands full: No, he does not. 

Right now, you wish you had a larger TV: No matter how I answer this one, someone's going to call me a butthead.

Right now, our government is doing things we think only other countries do: Some of us believe free speech will soon be a thing of the past.

Right now, you aren't doing what you most wish you were: Well, writing makes me happier than just about anything, so probably not true.

Right now is harder than it looks: I can feel myself getting sleepy, so okay...

Right now, your memory is getting longer while your life is getting shorter: Wow! Like, how profound. Also, one seventh of your life is lived on Tuesdays.

Right now, dogs have it good: No, that is not true. Dogs in kennels are not having it good. Dogs whose masters have died and they don't know why do not have it good. Yappy chihuahuas never have it good because they're so annoying.

Right now is not the fault of the Japanese: Depends on the circumstance. If my Toyota blows up, it probably is. 

Right now there is no cure: For what? COVID-19? Well, there are vaccines but that's just a government conspiracy to reduce the global population.

Right now, people are doing it for money: Doing what? Working? Shame on them.

Right now a bowl of soup would be nice: I AGREE!!! Suddenly, at 10:52 p.m., I am craving a nice steaming bowl of Campbell's Cream of Tomato Soup. MADE WITH MILK! AND WITH SALTINES CRUMBLED INSIDE. Yeah, I crumble a whole thingee of those saltine crackers in my tomato soup. But guess what? I have no tomato soup and no milk and no saltines and I am NOT walking up to the convenience store (which is open) to buy tomato soup (made with tomatoes that were made better by science) from a person who is working there for minimum wage. NO!!!! Instead, I will eat a piece of toast and orange juice. I used the last of my milk to make OVALTINE!!!!

Right now keeps happening: Kind of happy it does 'cause if it didn't then I would be dead.

Right now we must be going: Yeah, I probably should too.

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I don't think I want to write about Van Halen's Why Can't This Be Love because I don't think it would be as funny as what I wrote above.