Sept. 6: What different pets think about their owners

 I have it on good authority that guinea pigs think their owners are gigantic cuddly teddy bears. Here is a picture of my friend's guinea pig:

Our friends at PETA - easily the world's most joyful organization - warn us that guinea pigs do not make good starter pets and that it is cruel to use them to teach kids responsibility. Here is how PETA answers the question Are Guinea Pigs easy to care for? "The short answer is no. It requires a lot of time, energy, and money to keep guinea pigs healthy, clean, and happy."

However, my friend's guinea pigs seem to be happy and this is evidenced by all the pictures she posts of the guinea pigs eating vegetables and watching movies and reading books about Sarah Palin. 

Guinea pigs are rodents. So are rabbits, which I like, and rats, which I do not like. Here is a picture of me with a rabbit:

Here is likely what rabbits think of their owners:

- Why is this dude putting me in a hat? I hate being in hats. Why are all those people applauding when I poke my head out of said hat? I don't like this at all. Gimme some vegetables. And enjoy those chocolate raisins.

-

Kelsey has three cats. Ash has one cat, which means I sort of have one cat, even though Ash's cat is not my cat but Ash insists that the cat is also my cat, which means the cat is kind of mine even though it isn't. The cat likes me for some reason. It lies in my bed and curls up beside me on the couch. The cat has a name but I will not reveal it here. To my mind, all cats have the same name, which is CAT. Sometimes I modify CAT with an adjective, my preferred adjective being STUPID. It hurts Ash's feelings when I refer to the cat as a stupid cat, so I try not to call it that, even though the cat does lots of things that merit such an outburst from me.

Here are some of the things that the cat of Ash does that pisses me off:

- Attack me.

- Bite my leg.

- Bite my arm.

- Exist.

- Run around the apartment when I am trying to go somewhere.

- Demand to be fed.

- Be a cat.

- Jump up on my bed when I am trying to sleep.

- Walk across my keyboard [lkimuj8nynbtvwevcra* when I am trying to write note-a-day.

- Eat stinky wet cat food that smells up the apartment.

- Believe in conspiracy theories (the cat believes the Earth is flat, that the moon landing was faked, and that JFK was assassinated by the Ghost of Christmas Past.)

So here is what cats think about their owners:

- Worship me, pitiful human. I am king (or queen.)

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By chance today, I was in Montreal and I saw a young couple walking a St. Bernard, which is my favourite breed of dog. The couple let me pet their St. Bernard, who enthusiastically licked my face and then gazed at me with his trademark brown St. Bernard eyes.

Here is what St. Bernards think about their owners:

- You are the greatest people in the world and I will spend my whole life loving you and pleasing you and panting on hot days and please pet me and take me for a walk and spend the whole day scratching me behind the ears OH YES RIGHT THERE!!! YES!! YES!!! YES!!! KEEP IT UP FOREVER!!!

-

Some people have pet rocks.

Here is what a pet rock thinks of its owner: 

LOSER!

*Result of cat walking across my keyboard when I am writing note-a-day.