Sept. 19: Chocolate chip muffins
Yeah, so my kid has an obsession with chocolate chip muffins. Everytime
we go to the grocery store, he insists on buying a package of them. They
come in packs of six. What he does is he eats the chocolate chips off the top, takes off the muffin top, and then eats the bottom half, often with the paper.
Driving back from swimming in Cornwall last night and kiddo is screaming for a muffin. I'm trying to get home as quickly as possible because I want to send out some emails.
But my kid wants his stupid muffin so I go to the Tim Hortons drive-thru in Cornwall and ask for one. "Sorry, sir, but we're all out." So now I'm trapped behind some dude in an old burgundy VW who – I had overheard – had just placed a $30 order. Yeah, so he's going to be there for a good 5 minutes waiting for all his bagels and donuts and coffee. I'm not taking that so I back out of the drive-thru and hightail it out of there. First time I ever did something like that. Felt like a badass.
In Lancaster and I go through another Tim's drive-thru.
"I'd like a chocolate chip muffin please."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we're all out. Could I inter-"
"No. Bye."
And I leave. Kiddo can't be negotiated with when it comes to food.
Finally make it back to my hometown. Drive-thru. YES! They have chocolate chip muffins. I buy one, give it to my kid. He looks at it carefully and then, without touching it, hands it back to me.
"Muffin," he says, which is autism-speak for "this is not the correct muffin, father. Please procure the correct muffins for me or I shall be disenfranchised for the entire evening."
I know they sell them at Shoppers Drug Mart, which closes in three minutes. Manager is closing up. "I know exactly what I want," I tell her. "We close in three minutes," she reminds me.
There is one package of chocolate chip muffins left. I grab it. If only I got there five seconds earlier and I could have beaten the old lady to the cash register. The old lady has a FULL CART. Three packages of Depends, two packages of Ensure Old Persons Nutrition Beverages, a tabloid magazine telling me that Brad Pitt's daughter hated her childhood, toilet paper, 80 billion tins of cat food, and two pink fabric bags with Disney princesses on them.
She pulls out the latter and starts bartering with the cashier.
"Now listen, goily, last week, it said these bags were on sale and I could get two of them for five dollars. Now they're four dollars each. I don't think I should be paying the extra three dollars..."
Cashier: They're no longer on sale
Old lady: I understand that, goily, but why does Shoppers need my extra three dollars? Why do they go up in price so much?
B-Man: Dah-dee eeils (autism speak for "Please buy me Skittles along with the muffins.)
Shteevie: No B-Man. I only have enough money for this ONE ITEM and so we are only buying ONE ITEM!!!!
Cashier (to old lady): Would you like to speak to a manager?
Old lady: I think I would, but first let me tell you a long meandering story about what my doctor told me to do about my bladder condition...
B-Man: Thomas (autism speak for "since we've been in the drug store for five minutes instead of the 30 seconds you intended, I'd also like this new Thomas the Train toy as well as Skittles, a Kit Kat, and bubble gum as well as the muffins you promised me.)
Shteevie: No B-Man. I only have enough money for this ONE ITEM that will take me about 10 seconds to pay for and then we can get home because it is well past your bedtime.
God bless the manager who sensed my predicament and who stepped in to ring me up.
Yeah so happy ending. Kiddo got his muffins and I got to send out emails.
Driving back from swimming in Cornwall last night and kiddo is screaming for a muffin. I'm trying to get home as quickly as possible because I want to send out some emails.
But my kid wants his stupid muffin so I go to the Tim Hortons drive-thru in Cornwall and ask for one. "Sorry, sir, but we're all out." So now I'm trapped behind some dude in an old burgundy VW who – I had overheard – had just placed a $30 order. Yeah, so he's going to be there for a good 5 minutes waiting for all his bagels and donuts and coffee. I'm not taking that so I back out of the drive-thru and hightail it out of there. First time I ever did something like that. Felt like a badass.
In Lancaster and I go through another Tim's drive-thru.
"I'd like a chocolate chip muffin please."
"I'm sorry, sir, but we're all out. Could I inter-"
"No. Bye."
And I leave. Kiddo can't be negotiated with when it comes to food.
Finally make it back to my hometown. Drive-thru. YES! They have chocolate chip muffins. I buy one, give it to my kid. He looks at it carefully and then, without touching it, hands it back to me.
"Muffin," he says, which is autism-speak for "this is not the correct muffin, father. Please procure the correct muffins for me or I shall be disenfranchised for the entire evening."
I know they sell them at Shoppers Drug Mart, which closes in three minutes. Manager is closing up. "I know exactly what I want," I tell her. "We close in three minutes," she reminds me.
There is one package of chocolate chip muffins left. I grab it. If only I got there five seconds earlier and I could have beaten the old lady to the cash register. The old lady has a FULL CART. Three packages of Depends, two packages of Ensure Old Persons Nutrition Beverages, a tabloid magazine telling me that Brad Pitt's daughter hated her childhood, toilet paper, 80 billion tins of cat food, and two pink fabric bags with Disney princesses on them.
She pulls out the latter and starts bartering with the cashier.
"Now listen, goily, last week, it said these bags were on sale and I could get two of them for five dollars. Now they're four dollars each. I don't think I should be paying the extra three dollars..."
Cashier: They're no longer on sale
Old lady: I understand that, goily, but why does Shoppers need my extra three dollars? Why do they go up in price so much?
B-Man: Dah-dee eeils (autism speak for "Please buy me Skittles along with the muffins.)
Shteevie: No B-Man. I only have enough money for this ONE ITEM and so we are only buying ONE ITEM!!!!
Cashier (to old lady): Would you like to speak to a manager?
Old lady: I think I would, but first let me tell you a long meandering story about what my doctor told me to do about my bladder condition...
B-Man: Thomas (autism speak for "since we've been in the drug store for five minutes instead of the 30 seconds you intended, I'd also like this new Thomas the Train toy as well as Skittles, a Kit Kat, and bubble gum as well as the muffins you promised me.)
Shteevie: No B-Man. I only have enough money for this ONE ITEM that will take me about 10 seconds to pay for and then we can get home because it is well past your bedtime.
God bless the manager who sensed my predicament and who stepped in to ring me up.
Yeah so happy ending. Kiddo got his muffins and I got to send out emails.
-
Note from Shteevie: This happened about four years ago. I remember it was around COVID time. But I thought I'd share the memory here.
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