Dec. 11: Christmas complaints

Here are things I don't like about the Christmas season:

These songs: John Lennon's Happy Christmas, Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmastime, Mariah Carey's All I want for Christmas is you, plus any version of Santa Baby, I want a hippopotamus for Christmas and ESPECIALLY Grandma got run over by a reindeer.

Oh I hate that song.

Last year, while covering a tree lighting for the newspaper, the people in charge said they were going to sing Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Some middle aged women in the crowd groaned. I was one with them. Man, do I ever hate that song. It wasn't even cute the first time I heard it. Since then, it has graduated from annoying and is now teeth grindingly exasperating. I hope I never have to hear that song again.

Ever.

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My dad used to get annoyed when his kids wanted to open their Christmas presents early. He believed that Christmas Day was the proper time to open such presents. When I was a kid, I was a stalwart defender of "let us open just one on Christmas Eve." Now that I am 50, I vote with my dad.

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And if something can't fit in a stocking, it's not a stocking stuffer. Don't use the phrase "makes a great stocking stuffer" if you're talking about soccer balls, baby yaks, meteors, Charlton Heston's disembodied head, buckets of chicken from KFC, or bedspreads with Fred Flintstone on them. 

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And if you think Die Hard is a Christmas movie, you're wrong. On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a Christmas movie and it's much better than Die Hard. 

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You're bad if you put a toy Santa Claus near a nativity scene.

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You're bad if you give me fruitcake.

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You're bad if you don't cry when Linus is telling Charlie Brown what Christmas is all about.

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You're bad if you don't think the Santa Claus rap from Beat Street is funny.

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You're bad if you put up Christmas lights before December.







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