Rotating Pineapple

As part of its high school graduation requirements, the Ontario government has mandated that each student clock a certain amount of volunteer hours. This is a wonderful thing. Over the past 11 years that I've been a practising journalist in Ontario, I've met dozens of teenagers who were making other people happy with their presence. Just recently I talked to a 17-year-old who was dishing out spaghetti at a fundraising supper for a local elementary school. He helped make that fundraiser possible. When that school raises enough money to buy new playground equipment, that young man will have played a role in it. I hope he goes walking by that playground five years from now and he sees some kids having fun on the swingset. And I hope he smiles. - About a month ago, I volunteered my magical services to do a fundraising show for a family that had lost everything in a fire. The family did not show up. They never called to thank me. The show happened to fall on the...

Kathy and I were in Winnipeg in 1997 to act in a play at the Winnipeg Fringe Festival. We passed a thrift store and Kathy saw a Virgin Mary statue inside. She had to go in and look at it. I don't think she was a devout Catholic but she'd grown up in the church and had developed a love for its imagery. - At the festival, I was billeted with three vegetarians - one of them was a tall skinny dude with dozens of body piercings. The other two were lesbians. One day they were eating vegetable casserole sandwiches around the kitchen table. The casserole had been uncovered in the fridge for a week, so it was all crusty. It looked slimy, filled with chunks of rotting things.  The tall skinny dude asked me if I wanted one and I said no. Maybe this is my Alberta showing, but I think sandwiches should have meat in them. Vegetables should be served raw and always on the side. - I was hungry but I didn't want a vegetable casserole sandwich, so I walked back to ...

...you wouldn't be reading this

Monday is like a sick baby - keeps me busy all day long. I'm up first thing in the morning and I barely have time for lunch and dinner breaks. Monday is go go go until very late at night - sometimes into the wee hours of Tuesday morning. Tuesday is an old lady. She needs lots of help in the early part of the day but she gets her confidence back in the early afternoon and tells me I can relax. Wednesday is a laid back friend who wants to go cruising. He knows I've been spending a lot of time with a sick baby and old lady. He wants to get me out of the house so we can see the world. Thursday and Friday are identical twins who like to have their backs scratched all day long. Saturday is a lazy man and Sunday is a teenager who works all week long at a gas station.

Probably Da Vinci's Last Supper Yeah yeah, I know it's hardly historically accurate. Jesus and the apostles probably weren't white guys and they probably didn't insist on sitting on one side of the table either. There may not have even been a table. They could have been sitting on the floor. They may not have even had plates. I don't care. I'd walk into it because it's the most famous representation of Christ's life that the world of art has ever produced. I doubt I'd get an accurate portrayal of first century Palestine. I'd probably see the world the way a 16th century Italian would have envisioned it. I hope I'd get to talk to Christ though it would surely be a sad time for him. I certainly wouldn't want to bother Him with my philosophical queries shortly after He announced that Judas was going to betray him. If it wasn't the Last Supper, I might step into this painting here... That is Eight Red Rectangles by Kazimir Ma...

The best hamburgers ever came from a chip stand kind of place in Bragg Creek, Alberta. It was called the Steer-Inn and the people who made the burgers branded the buns with tiny esses. We used to buy them with a small order of gravy and we would dip the burgers in the gravy and, my friends, it sho tasted fine. The Steer-Inn is no longer in Bragg Creek. Since then, every hamburger I've had has been marginal. When I was a teenager, there was a restaurant called Fuddruckers near our house and those hamburgers were pretty good too. You could specify how you wanted it cooked (rare, well done, and everything between.) I don't like ordering hamburgers from fast food restaurants. I've actually never had a Big Mac and I can't remember the last time I've had a Whopper. Sometimes I'll get a hamburger at Harvey's and this is only because the wait staff will dress your burger while you wait. My hamburgers are always very simple. Nothing but mustard (a...

A magician stole my watch once. I was in a nightclub when my watch was stolen. The magician was doing a routine onstage and he pulled me up to help him. The routine was done with four sponge balls, which the magician made jump from one hand to the other. At one point, he grabbed my wrists so he could show me where he wanted me to put my hands. I felt him take my watch. I only felt it because I'm familiar with the routine and I knew what to look for. Had I been a magical novice, I would not have noticed. His technique was impeccable. I had a choice to make. I could call the magician on the watch steal and avoid being embarrassed later, or I could pretend I didn't notice so my colleague in magic could reap his applause. I chose the latter. I blushed a little as I returned to my seat, watch safely back in my possession. I do not know who the magician is. All I remember is it was a good show. - Young magicians are usually taught that being a good magician is ...