Sept. 14: In the great big wilderness

It is exhilarating to be out in the country somewhere, a panorama of nature before you, and not another human being to be seen. Seriously, stand on top of that mountain, or that hill in Ireland, and slowly turn around. You don't see anyone, do you? You're alone. You know you're not, of course. Chances are you could cross paths with another person in the next hour if you just put your mind to it, but there is still majesty in being outside, staring out at this so-called overpopulated world, and wondering just where that surplus of people happens to be.

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I read once that the entire population of the world could fit comfortably in the state of Texas. I don't know if that's true, though. There are an estimated 8.1 billion people on earth and Texas is 268,596 square miles. That would mean every square mile of Texas would have about 30,157 people in it - enough to fill an NHL arena one and a half times over. If the small town I lived in was in Texas, our population would likely increase 12 times over. I probably wouldn't be alone in my apartment right now. Out of necessity I would have to share it with a family of seven from Honduras and a professional accountant from Chad.

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Saints preserve us but when Christina Long Gerbrandt gave me this title, all I could think of was Julie Andrews in the opening scene of The Sound of Music. There she is, spinning around and singing these words:

The hills are alive with the sound of music

with songs they have sung for a thousand years

Now I love Julie Andrews beyond reason (even though Sound of Music came out the same year as Thunderball) but those lyrics do not stand up to logic.

No, the hills are not alive with the sound of music. They are alive with oxygen and photosynthesis. Hills don't have mouths or tongues or lungs, which you kind of need in order to sing, and they sure haven't been singing those same songs for a thousand years. Good grief, wouldn't that be hell anyway? I mean... just tonight... I drove down to Cornwall and my iPod was in the back seat and it was stuck playing the same song over and over again (She Sells Sanctuary by The Cult.) Now that is a kickass song - it's the only Cult song most people know - but by gol, I don't want to listen to it 10 times in a row. But that is what I was forced to do while driving to Cornwall.

This reminds me of a news story I read way back in 1992. It turns out some lady was cleaning her apartment on a hot summer day and decided that the perfect cleanup song would be Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You.

She turned her stereo up to 10, put the song on repeat, and got busy with the Windex and the Lysol, having herself a veritable Whitney love-in as she made her domicile all spic and span.

Anyway, it turns out that not everyone in her apartment building was so fond of Ms. Houston's interpretation of that old Dolly Parton hit. Comes a knock on the door and, upon opening it, one of her neighbours barges in, grabs her stereo, and throws it right off the balcony. 

If I was on the jury, I would have voted not guilty.

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I should note that the original Broadway version of Sound of Music starred Theodore Bikel as Captain Von Trapp, who is more beloved by me for being a Columbo murderer (his murder victim was played by the actor who later portrayed Boss Hogg on Dukes of Hazard.)

I should further note that a local theatre company mounted Sound of Music in Cornwall this year and I didn't go see it, even though the children of one of my friends portrayed some of the Von Trapp kids. I guess I am a lousy friend.

I am also thinking that Christina Long Gerbrandt is a fan of Sound of Music and that at least once a year, she and her daughters watch it and even do singalongs.